꽤 오래전, 유튜브에서 이것저것 동영상을 챙겨(?)보던 시절 보았던 단편영화, <SPEAK>
<트와일라잇>의 크리스틴 스튜어트가 나온 영화이기도 하다.
주인공 Melinda가 어느 파티에서 성폭행을 당한 후 겪게 되는 학창시절의 일부가 담겨있다.
뭔가 또 쓰려니까 생각이 안나서 -ㅅ-; 잠도 좀 오고 =ㅅ=;
영화를 통해 Melinda가 성폭행을 당한 것을 알고 있었기에 책을 읽으며 - 비록 초반에는 직접적으로 성폭행에 대한 언급이 없지만- 마음이 많이 아팠다.
책 속에서...
Mostly I watch the scary movies playing on the inside of my eyelids. It is getting harder to talk. ... When I wake up in the morning, my jaws are clenched so tight I have a headache. ... Every time I try to talk to my parents or a teacher, I sputter or freeze. What is wrong with me? ... I want to leave, transfer, warp myself to another galaxy. I want to confess everything, hand over the guilt and mistake and anger to someone else. There is a beast in my gut, I can hear it scraping away at the inside of my ribs. Even if I dump the memory, it will stay with me, staining me. My closet is a good thing, a quiet place that helps me hold these thoughts inside my head where no one can hear them.
I don't remember passing out. David says I hit my head on the edge of the table on my way down. The nurse calls my mom because I need stitches. The doctor stares into the back of my eyes with a bright light. Can she read the thoughts hidden there? If she can, what will she do? Call the cops? Send me to the nuthouse? Do I want her to? I just want to sleep. The whole point of not talking about it, of silencing the momory, is to make it go away. It won't.
Melinda One : "Get a life. It was just pizza.He wasn't going to try anything. His parents were going to be there! You worry too much. You're never going to let us have any fun, are you? ... I can't stand you."
Melinda Two : "The world is a dangerous place. you don't know what would have happened. What if he was just saying his parents were going to be there? He could have been lying. You can never tell when people are lying. Assume the worst. Plan for disaster. Now hurry up and get us home. I don't like it out here. It's too dark."
IT happended. There is no avoiding it, no forgetting. No running away, or flying, or burying, or hiding. andy evans raped me in august when I was drunk and too young to know what was happening. It wasn't my fault. He hurt me. It wasn't my fault. And I'm not going to let it kill me. I can grow.
